Rules for your boobs

Along with rules for your vagina, there are also copious rules for your boobs. Observe.

This is what your boobs should look like. High and huge, and positioned near or on a bucket of fries. Selling stuff (including hydrogenated fat-drenched fried potatoes) is what boobs do best.

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But those boobs are covered with cumbersome cloth. Let’s get these puppies out for a stroll in the open air!

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I know, let’s put stuff between the boobs too, and have some hands squeezing them! That will definitely get people’s attention! It is Perfectly Okay to use boobs to sell stuff because boobs are pretty and girls are pretty and pretty girls with boobs exist to please the corneas of the masses, amiright?

Oh, but actually? Boobs are cool but nipples are mundane because men have them too, and also they are pretty gross because they remind us of boobs’ primary physiological function….

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….which is to eject milk directly into the mouths of our young, for nourishment, comfort and growth. Huuurrrrgh. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

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WARNING: the boob you are about to see is not trying to sell anything!! If you are a hyper-masculine dude-bro or a sensitive lady pearl-clutcher, put your beer or mint julep down before you look, lest your retinas be damaged by the sight of non-objectified, non-consumerist, non-covered-up boobs.

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I mean, honestly. How is babies feeding from boobies making anyone any money in this economy, or creating a viable market in which to exploit women for pleasure and profit? I tell you, it’s simply unacceptable in this day and age that a perfectly good breast could just be thrown up there for all to see it, without even having the DECENCY  to try to sell us something. The baby could at least hold a beer or some nacho cheese dip near the boob while he selfishly deflates it and reminds us that it’s attached to a woman with an identity and a FAMILY. And where is her nursing cover?! What an exhibitionist boob nazi, shoving it in our faces. Ugh!

I wish I didn’t have to impart this possibly upsetting information to you, oh Gentle Reader, but I’m afraid them’s the rules and we’re just the poor fools living under them.

Rules for your vagina

If you’re a woman with a vagina, you know that there is a whole lotta politics involved with what goes in and comes out of it. People you’ve never met before, mostly those who don’t even HAVE magical lady caverns, want to tell you what to do with yours — how it should look, who can see it, what is supposed to go in and come out of it, how you should be paid and treated and behave on account of having one, and all sorts of other vagina rules that you didn’t ask for. Way too much of our time is spent worrying about what others’ think of our vaginas, what we’re ‘allowed’ to do with our bodies and how we can best please the patriarchy with our bewitching beavers.

This blog aims to break down some barriers and explore why the vaginal is so political. As an active feminist and birth worker who strongly believes in women’s autonomy and right to choice, I also aim to get women thinking about how their own actions, words, thoughts and beliefs can either add to or help destroy the Great Big Book of Rules For Your Vagina. This book does not actually exist (as far as I’m aware — there may be a self-published e-book out there somewhere just waiting to prove me wrong) but it exists in the power structures, cultural norms and societal standards that we all live under and within.

Subversive Owl is a pseudonym that I know not everyone will identify with or even like, but it is the one I’ve chosen so I hope you will stick around to read more content as I create it, and to join in the discussions that I hope take place.

I do actually have one rule about vaginas, though: I will not, under any circumstances, refer to a vagina as ‘yoni‘. Call me a hypocrite if you want, but I am not quite hippy enough to say or type that word with a straight face. Besides, yoni means ‘sacred origin of life’ and I believe that vaginas are more than that. They are like any other body part in that sometimes they are simply there, or in pain, or in need of a wash, or glowing with health, or bruised. Vaginas can be a source of pain, joy, pleasure, confusion, terror,  passion, birth, growth and even death. We are more than simply givers of life. We are people — women — with flaws and plans and dreams and regrets. We don’t just give life, we are life. We are more than our vaginas. It’s time to throw away the rule book we’ve been forced to read from and get a little…subversive.